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Up Here In My Tree

I'm trading stories with the leaves.

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
It's All Gone A Bit Pete Tong
Well, if all had gone according to plan, you would have seen some lovely photos of Bath right now. However, things did indeed go tits up, so instead you just have me rambling on, killing time. I was so pissed off. The wife and I decided to take a last minute trip to Bath (I have never been before, she has) which I was looking forward to. I have heard so much about the city, it sounded like a really beautiful place to wander around and soak up some of the history.

Things started to go a bit wrong when we arrived at the hotel. Expedia got its times wrong, and so we had to wait around for an hour or so while they got our room ready. Fair enough, no problem, we could still get some lunch. It was around this time that something dawned on me, something truly shocking that I thought I would never recover from...........I forgot to set the video to record Pearl Jam at Reading. Their first ever festival performance in the UK, and I wasn't even going to get to see it on TV - disaster!!!! This was a once in a lifetime performance, what was I going to do??? Well, I thought, shit happens let's enjoy the break and have a good time. But then the second thing struck me.......although I had charged up the battery for my digital camera, I had left it 200 miles away at my house!! So now I can't take any photos!! And, as I am sure my wife will testify, I need my camera! It's just not the same otherwise....I felt so.....so....empty inside, like some evil Ant or Dec clone.

Anyway, we resolved the camera problem by buying a little disposable camera (which I hate) and taking lots of photos, each time looking at the back to see the photo I had just taken......doh!! I have no idea how good the photos will be when they come out, but I guarantee they will not be as good as my digital. Anyway, I will post the results when I get them done, hopefully they will give a taste of Bath.

The day ended with a positive, as I got to see the Pearl Jam performance after all. We had satellite in our room (something I don't have at home) so instead of getting a few clips, I had an hour long Pearl Jam set to enjoy. What pleasure!! And what a performance!! Of course, the trendy BBC types tried to make out that they have all been PJ fans for years. Yeah right, is that why you never play their tracks ever (Zane Lowe excepted, as he actually seems to be a PJ fan)??? And why you are infatuated with here today, gone tomorrow tosh like Keane, Kaiser Chiefs and alike??? I really noticed the difference between the darlings of the media circuit and PJ. Most of them were devoid of passion and you can say what you like, Pearl Jam certainly have passion in abundance. Incidentally, the one thing their performance showed to me was how Mike McCready has developed over the years. Their last album is clearly driven by his fantastic guitar work (in fact, I would say this is 'his' album) and his confidence has grown immeasurably since the early days. The bit where he played guitar behind his head during Even Flow, was fantastic.

My week is bound to get increasingly more satisfactory as we approach the launch of Charlotte Church's new show. Did I say satisfactory??? I meant incendiary. I will torch the whole of Wales if I have to be subjected to this unique piece of awfulness. And that, my friends, is a promise.
posted by korova @ 5:05 pm   5 comments
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Temple of the Dog
One of my favourite albums from the early nineties is Temple of the Dog, a collaboration between Pearl Jam (before they were really Pearl Jam) and Soundgarden. The album was produced as a tribute to Andy Wood, the lead singer of Mother Love Bone, which also comprised of Stone and Jeff. The album itself is amazing, containing many of the finest songs of the early nineties grunge scene. Songs like Say Hello 2 Heaven still bring a tear to my eye now, thanks to the amazing lyrics and singing of Chris Cornell - one of the truly great rock vocalists of all time. It also contains some pretty heavy rock songs including Reach Down (that clocks in at an amazing 11 minutes!!!) and Pushin' Forward Back.

Two songs particularly stand out on this album for me. The first one is Times of Trouble, which is basically just a lyrical re-write of Pearl Jam's Footsteps. A song about heroin addiction, it is the most overt reference to Andy's drug problem on the album. The other song I love is Hunger Strike, a wonderful duet between Cornell and Vedder. It is really an amazing song. My two favourite vocallists performing together on a beautiful song. It doesn't get much better than this. Anyway, the reason I bring this up, is because I have come across the Hunger Strike video on YouTube. I missed this first time around, so I was fascinated to finally get a chance to see it. I would be interested to hear from anyone else who has had the pleasure of listening to this album, as I believe it is criminally overlooked and vastly underrated.


posted by korova @ 6:25 pm   2 comments
Friday, August 25, 2006
Monty Python Meets Star Wars
It does exactly what is says on the.....hang on a minute, I'm getting a strange sense of deja vous.......

posted by korova @ 11:12 pm   0 comments
Star Trek Meets Monty Python
It does exactly what it says on the tin..............


posted by korova @ 11:09 pm   0 comments
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
For All You Dog Poo Munchers Out There.....
What is wrong with popular culture?? Why is it the equivalent of munching a lump of dog poo laced with arsenic?? Everything that is popular turns out to be utter cack??? Is it just an age thing (shut up Neath!)?? Or is it just that everything is so totally rubbish?? Why do I find inserting small spikes into my rectum preferable to indulging in the shite fest that is Popular Culture?? Take some of the utter bilge that calls itself music nowadays. The lack of talent is almost frightening. Does anyone else feel like we are being turned into the zombie hordes in 28 Days Later (not to be confused with the god awful 28 Days - despite starring the lovely Sandra Bullock, god she is lovely, couldn't you just give her a big hug?? Anyway, where was I?? Ahh yes, shite music......)????

Take Robbie Williams*, for example. The man is a walking lump of turd. My bottom can hold a better tune than this ghastly, bum clenching horror show. He can't sing, he can't dance, he just wings it on his 'hey look at me aren't I a cheeky chappie, nudge nidge wink wink' schtick. Well, 'Mr' Williams, quite frankly I have had enough of your awful arse-wipe of a face. Might I suggest a date with me, a blow torch and a hacksaw?? We could even record your tortured screams, at least then the public will be able to notice a hint of passion in that gob-smackingly piss poor thing you call a 'voice'. Think of the album sales Robbie, you know it makes sense.

As for Bono* and his crew of 'tree huggers' (if the trees are sponsored by Gucci of course, our Bono would settle for nothing less), will you stop using the slow death of the planet as a marketing routine to pocket yourselves some extra thousands??? We all know that your music is utter garbage, so don't try to repackage it as caring, sharing, hippy shit you moron. What's that you say Bono?? You are trying to save the planet?? In a private jet?? Sponsored by Motorola?? Gimme that SAM now!! I feel the urge to take him out. Or perhaps we should just nail him to cross so he can truly live out his Jesus fantasy. Arse monkey.

*Robbie's great new album will be available in October. The album also includes a free lobotomy, so you won't have to worry about the inevitable mess when your brain melts from listening to the talentless twat. You can buy a diamond encrusted 'Bono on a Crucifix' at all good Gucci stores.
posted by korova @ 9:46 pm   5 comments
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Greatest Love of All
So now we know what drives Osama B Laden to destroy the west, his love of Whitney Houston. Not only that, he wants to have Bobby Brown killed!! This could be the biggest recruitment drive for Al Qaeda since the Iraq war!!
posted by korova @ 7:38 pm   1 comments
It Could Only Happen in Sweden........
The Swedish state broadcaster was suffering from a case of red faces at the week-end after accidentally showing a porn film in the background of one of its news broadcasts. Luckily, as one of the producers said,

'it lasted no more than 30 seconds'.

Good one chaps!!
posted by korova @ 7:00 pm   1 comments
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The War with Denmark
The past couple of Thursdays I have been wetting myself like a small boy over Time Trumpet, a new series by Armando Iannucci. So far it has been, without doubt, one of the funniest things on TV. Last week saw the rather disturbing reference to a TV show called Rape an Ape, which was very near to being the most tasteless thing I have ever seen. The programme involved celebrities, in this case Chris Moyles, dressing up in an ape outfit and then being raped in a cage. Obviously it is a comment on the state of television today, but even I found it difficult to handle!

Anyway, the programme also covered the War on Denmark......by Tesco. If you also hate Wal-Mart, you might well enjoy this clip:



posted by korova @ 7:46 pm   0 comments
Thought For The Day
Why do all posh people have rosy red cheeks???
posted by korova @ 6:51 pm   5 comments
Friday, August 18, 2006
Brad
A beautiful song. Why did they never make it?? Enjoy......


posted by korova @ 11:51 pm   1 comments
Memory Lane
A couple of clips that made me fall in love with PJs music, some 14/15 years ago. I knew from the moment I saw these that they were the band for me. I still get a tingle down my spine when I see/hear Porch unplugged.





posted by korova @ 11:47 pm   0 comments
Thursday, August 17, 2006
It Made Me Laugh......
Spotted these hilarious heckles in The Guardian today, they made me laugh:

Joel Douglas, the less famous son of the actor Kirk, was performing at the Comedy Store and getting increasingly frustrated by the audience reaction. He started shouting: "You can't do this to me, I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" At which point some wag stood up and said: "No, I'm Kirk Douglas's son." Then someone else stood up, and so on.

A stage performance of The Diary of Anne Frank was so bad that the arrival of the Germans was greeted with a shout of: "She's in the attic!"

A blind heckler shouts: "Get off!" at a shit comedian. After a moment's silence, he adds: "Has he gone yet?"

Bono on stage in Glasgow: "Every time ... I clap my hands ... a child in Africa ... starves to death ..." Glaswegian voice: "Stop fuckin' doing it, then!"

You can read more here.
posted by korova @ 7:51 pm   2 comments
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
The Youth of Today (or, 'Am I Getting Old?')
Do you know what pissed me off at this time of year when I was at school? It was those arseholes who would say that exams are getting easier and that the 'youth of today' are actually only slightly more intelligent than an amoeba. I would get most upset about this kind of slur by a bunch of jealous middle-aged tossers who sat in an office all day trying to think of something to write for their newspaper, before regurgitating the same article that was written the previous year. I would fondly imagine ramming my A-Level text books up their fat, sweaty arses and asking them to calculate the force on a complex system of pullies (it seemed like useful information at the time - I mean, admit it, you to have looked at a system of three pullies and wondered what force is being exerted. Don't give me that blank look, you know you have). They were, in short, scum sucking arse monkeys. At least I thought they were.

I now have the slight suspicion that I am turning into an arse monkey myself (admittedly an unappealing thought). I get royally hacked off by hearing these oh-so-proud mothers mouthing off about how many pissy A grades their arse-licking children have managed. Oh yes, they waste no opportunity in announcing to the whole world how wonderfully clever their offspring are. Utter bastards. This has nothing to do with my own insecurities, honest guv, I just find them deeply annoying. I feel like slapping them in the face and saying that Johnnie's A grades are worth no more than the quilted arse paper I use in the bathroom, ie not very. Little do they realise that their life is unlikely to be one of networking with high powered business men (or 'rich bastards' as I prefer to call them) or politicians ('lying bastards'). No, their lives will consist of sitting at a till in Tescos and asking Tina if she can fetch the price for a courgette. At best, they will be working in Waitrose and asking Camilla if she can fetch the price of a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.

Maybe exams are getting easier. After all, you could grow up in a crack house, injecting heroin into your eyeballs and still get an A in Media Studies. The problem is, I hate myself for even thinking about it. I don't want to be an arse monkey. I'm too young. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I'm turning into one of those bitter old men who can't accept that maybe the youth of today work a bit harder than I did (which is not hard). Bugger. I'm off to ram a maths book up my arse.
posted by korova @ 6:45 pm   5 comments
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Hey, I Fancy a List
One of the good things about having a slightly less serious blog, is that I can do lists of things that you are really not interested in. Like these:

5 Foreign Films to see before you die of some awful disease that has yet to be discovered by clever men in white suits......

  1. Downfall - a German film about Hitler's last days
  2. Hidden - a film about a French couple terrorised by the past
  3. Goodbye Lenin - a German comedy (no really) set in the aftermath of the fall of the Berlin wall
  4. Belleville Rendezvous - animated French film about the kidnap of a Tour de France cyclist who is rescued by his grandma, his dog and an ageing song and dance trio.
  5. Spirited Away - a fantastical Japanese animation by the Studio Ghibli group.

5 Tunes that are repeatedly playing on my WMP at the moment, infecting my brain and causing my ears to dribble blood:

  1. Smile - Pearl Jam
  2. Take a Bow - Muse
  3. Angel - Massive Attack
  4. And it Rained All Night - Thom Yorke
  5. Hard to Imagine - Pearl Jam

5 'Celebrities' I would like to murder in a drive-by shooting with an automatic rifle, or in a darkened room with a can of petrol and a blunt knife:

  1. Charlton Heston
  2. Charlotte Church
  3. Catherine Zeta Jones
  4. Ant (of Ant and Dec fame)
  5. Dec (of Ant and Dec fame)

Now, where did I put that can of petrol??

posted by korova @ 4:32 pm   0 comments
Monday, August 14, 2006
Charlie Brooker
I love Charlie Brooker, he makes me laugh so hard my brain dribbles out of my nose. Here are some clips from his series, which are slightly less funny than his column, which is hilarious. Go on, read a selection, I guarantee you will vomit your stomach from laughing so hard*.






*Korova accepts no responsibility for your stomach actually exiting your mouth, it's your own stupid fault you dribbling fool.
posted by korova @ 11:34 pm   0 comments
What is the Point of........TATTOOS
Aaah summer, summer, summertime...as one wiseman once said. The sunny days, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sunburn, the attempt to wear as little clothes as possible and still maintain a sense of dignity. Truly these are the best of times. I have to admit, even as a happily married man, I do tend to notice the women much more at this time of year. Occasionally my head gets turned by a rather attractive looking lady in the high street, I mean you can't help it can you? However, every now and then I get a big wet slap in the face by disappointment (does that even make sense?) as I realise that she has a tattoo on her shoulder.

I have a problem with tattoos. Now, some may say this is because I am a wussy coward with very small balls, when in actual fact I am.....a wussy coward with very s.....well, you get the idea. The real reason I don't like tattoos is the fact that, by and large, they look naff. The designs look great in the confines of your (very confined) head but on skin, man it just looks bad. I always liken tattoos to tank tops. You wouldn't wear a tank top throughout all the changing fashions, so why have a tattoo that will be painfully (literally) unfashionable in about, oh, 2 seconds after you have it done. It is, my friends, the nature of the beast. And don't even get me started on what they look like on old people. With their shriveled, wrinkly skin and piss stained trousers. That 'HATE' tattoo doesn't look quite so fearsome now does it?? With your pissy pants and dribbling mouth, you're not so bloody hard now, are you?

The very worst kind of tattoos are, to my mind, those bloody stupid Chinese symbols. You pick a design that you like, thinking it symbolises peace or love, only for the 'artist' to know that you have actually had 'Twat' or 'Arse' imprinted on your shoulder blade. Much to his obvious amusement. Yes, that's right, millions of young females are walking around with Chinese obscenities all over their bodies. Idiots. Still, don't they look trendy eh?
posted by korova @ 1:37 pm   5 comments
Curse You Neath For Making Me Blog in This Way!
There must have been something in the air over the past couple of days. I was mulling over my recent experience interviewing for new employees at my place of work and thinking: 'Mmmm, I can post about this and link it in with my interview last year, and the desperation I felt as I left the hellish situation I was in.' Then what happens?? Neath mentions the interviews in his blog. So now I would be copying him by talking about it. Which I am doing now. Oh, I feel like I am in some awful blog-related nightmare. And to make it worse, he mentions queuing up to have a book signed by his favourite writer!! Damn you Neath!! Damn you to Hades, you foul, bee murdering, badger obsessive fiend.
posted by korova @ 1:05 pm   2 comments
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Comedy Nostalgia
Recently I have been reminiscing with Neath about some of the comedies that were on in our youth. This all started when we came across some material from one of our favourite shows, Fist of Fun. It turns out, that there is very little material left from the original series and consequently it is very unlikely that there will ever be a DVD of the series (which is a damn shame). Anyway, this got me thinking about other old comedies that I enjoyed when I was growing up. From the age of around 12/13 I discovered Monty Python and I was totally hooked. My parents thought it was a little strange and couldn't understand why I liked it so much. I developed a passion for comedy that was a little surreal or that played with the language. It was this passion that led me to Fry & Laurie. Stephen Fry is one of my two favourite people in the entire world. It is a tie between him and Will Self. I only wish I could have 0.1% of their wit and intelligence. Unfortunately, I do not.

I did actually get to meet Will Self on one occasion. He was doing a book reading/signing at a local bookshop and I was, of course, eager to go. So there I sat, listening to the great man speak, almost wetting myself at the prospect that I may get to speak to him (I wasn't this excited when I met Terry Pratchett). When he finished, we all patiently waited in line for him to sign copies of the books we brought with us. I stood in the queue racking my brains. What could I say that would make an impression? Something witty. Something clever. Something that would make him look at me and say, 'Hey, let's go for a beer afterwards and discuss the meaning of life'. The moment came, I was at the front. I opened my mouth, and said:

'That was really good.'


Fuck. I meet one of my heroes and that's the best I can manage. Well done. You now look like a total prat. God I hate my brain.

So anyway, back to the point of this long, dull post. Isn't it funny how the things you find funny when you're younger, don't make you laugh anymore. I mean the sketches that had me in stitches on A Bit Of.... when I was younger, I now find deeply dull. And yet, the sketches I found dull when I was younger I now find hilarious beyond all belief. Some may say that is because I am deeply dull. I like to think it is because I am more sophisticated. But then, my brain does not have a good track record, as Mr Self would no doubt testify.
posted by korova @ 8:33 pm   0 comments
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Snakes On A Mother@*$£~@^ Plane
A taster for the movie event of 2006:




posted by korova @ 8:02 pm   0 comments
Hello, Good Evening and Welcome....
For sometime now I have been trying to reconcile my blogging dilemma. My other blog, Mask of Anarchy, has given me much pleasure over the past few months but it has become clear to me that a change needed to take place. Recent events have left me a little uncomfortable with some of the content on Mask, and I felt I needed to separate some of the content. I have realised how ridiculous it is to have posts on the evils that are being conducted around the world, followed by a silly comment on an album I have heard or a facetious comment about my dear, beloved Bono. It doesn't work. Today 100 people died in Lebanon oh, by the way, what do you think of the new Pearl Jam album?? See what I mean?

So what is the purpose of this blog I hear you cry?? Well, this will become my space (not MySpace, for that would truly be an awful thought) to talk about books, films, a chance to explore my lighter side and, perhaps, be a little more personal (perhaps). Of course, this means I may not post on here very often, but I thought I would give it a bash as Mask is proving to be a little restrictive. Of course, it is more likely than not, that after a couple of weeks I abandon the whole project and mix it up again. But I remain optimistic. At least until my viewing figures plummet on Mask and I am forced to try and draw back numbers by throwing in the odd light-hearted post. God that was a dull explanation. Note to self: no more dull posts on AltReality.
posted by korova @ 8:00 pm   6 comments
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